When I was laid off from my professional job working with the homeless and poor 5 1/2 years ago, I was concerned, especially because the Great Recession occurred two days later, but thought I was old enough and wise enough to find some type of work that would allow me to assist people in a wholistic way. Months later as anxiety and frustration built up within me my husband prophetically told me that he was quite sure that God knew how I would handle my job search as a professional and where it is I would go, and He was just gently closing every door behind me until I was completely baffled and confused. I sat in the silence of my husband's words and asked God if that was true. If I wasn't supposed to seek professional work, what was I supposed to do? I knew I had many creative sorts of talents but none that I thought I could help support our family on. Who would buy my chocolate chip cookies or banana bread that so many raved about? Who would purchase my canned peaches and pears so that I could maintain an income of over $2,000 a month? Who would want me to knit, crochet, or sew for them and pay an enormous price for my creations? Realistically, I knew that noone would. So, when my husband told me I needed to write because I had always moved him emotionally with my writings that he referred to as "soul writings", they fell in the same category as my baking and other creations. Who would help me maintain the needs of my family, because they do have needs? I sat many days staring out into the changing seasons with a heavy heart that moved between curiosity and shame on a daily, even an hourly, basis.
I thought I had been a prayerful person but it wasn't until I sat one day in the heat of my car that wouldn't start that I felt myself falling....falling...falling into the darkness of despair. I knew that I had loving adult children who would help us but for me I had reached a point of utter helplessness. There was nothing, I felt, that I could do for myself. It was my entrance into "the dark night of the soul" that St. John of the Cross wrote about so lovingly. It was my entrance into a period of necessary "cleansing" from our culture's systematic approach to self-sufficiency so that I could be washed clean of its sinful self-focus and greed. In its web I had convinced myself that I was the one who, through my work and pay, was taking care of my needs and those of my husband and children. God's grace and abundance was nowhere to be found. It was my doing so that when my position ended, it was somehow my doing that we were suffering. I knew nothing of the season of "leanness" and my fears had led me to physical anxiety and exhaustion. I just happened to listen to Joyce Meyer's program one morning at this particular point in time when she through her wisdom stated that "My faith cannot be based on my circumstances". I laid down on the kitchen floor, which I did whenever I heard the wee, small voice tell me to give myself over, and asked God to forgive me. I entered into that breath of wills and gave mine over to His. I heard the word "steadfast" in my mind again and again and knew that I needed to desire faithfulness not employment; I needed to desire His promised abundance not the power of purchase or the illusion of security; I needed to desire His gifts given to me not the talents I had. I got up from the floor, wiped my tears, and went forward into the unknown future feeling a little more genuine in the strength of God.
One night as I wondered about what it was that I could do for God, I thought about how nice it would be if there was something into place at the parish for me to go and talk with others about where I could possibly go from here. The Quakers referred to it as a "Clearing Committee"; a committee of wise elders who would meet with someone who had a life transition or question, who would ask questions, and then give advice that could be used or discarded by the seeker. During this reverie of thought I began to wonder if there were any recurring "themes" in my life. Themes that might point me in a fruitful direction. I started to write down all of the professional positions that I had held and discovered that they all fell under the defining term of "mercy". I had never thought of this before..that all of my positions had been assisting men, women, and children who were disenfranchised and living on the edge of our society. This concept of "mercy" led me to scripture and the beatitudes and I began to wonder how this merciful draw and my mystical experiences could be connected and used by God to provide something compassionate and yet something that would hopefully help my family. In a very short time I was compelled to contact my clinical supervisor and ask if there was any way I could come back into clinical study with the focus being on Religious Leadership and the creation of a program that could be offered at the parish to assist people who were finding themselves confused by transition, health difficulties, death, etc. She, who isn't Catholic but Baptist, not only agreed to allow this but offered her expertise to make sure that what I created had the best from both of us and then did this for free. Thus, Spiritual Discernment, was created through the Spirit's movement within us women and the open door of the church that we found along the way. Its main ministry is to help all men, women, and children compelled by the Holy Spirit to a new understanding, a new awareness, through program concepts to seek out the will of God within their lives.
I know with all my being that I have been called to do this work on behalf of the Holy Spirit. I pray that I remain faithful despite my continued wandering in the uncertainty of how bills will be paid and groceries boughten. My certainty, my foundation is that God loves me as His beloved daughter and He has given me spiritual gifts to use to mercifully help within the church and the world. Upon this I am certain that He will provide for me and my children what we need through my efforts or through His continuing stir of the hearts of others to assist me. May He be praised by all that I do.
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