Holy Week and Mothers

Holy Week is once again upon us as those of Christian faith.  Yesterday we celebrated the liturgy of Palm Sunday where we are reminded that all of us human beings are sinful.  The Church in Her worship wants to assist us in asking ourselves "Where would we have been as Christ entered into Jerusalem?  Would He have been the 'flavor of the month' with His exciting miracles and subtle hints at messianic kingship over Rome?  Would we have been in the group of His disciples in awe of how the people seemed to flock around Him and love Him?  Would this be our sign that all was going well with the mission?"  Thus, we carry palm branches into the church while singing "Hosanna".  We enter into our pews and then listen to the reading of Christ's passion and crucifixion while including us with the role of reciting the words of those who turned on Jesus and demanded His death.  I have always struggled with saying those words.  I have hoped and prayed that I would not have been one of them.  The reality is, though, that even if I weren't, I still sin against Him through the choices I make in the day-to-day living of my life today.

So, you might ask, what does Holy Week have to do with mothers other than Jesus' mother was present throughout all of His suffering; somewhere on the periphery she watched and prayed and cried tears for her son who was being so unjustly convicted, tortured, and murdered before the cheers of so many.  The movie, The Passion of the Christ, has a wonderful scene that I will watch from time to time where Jesus falls carrying His cross within Mary's sight and she is remembering Him falling as a child and her running to help Him.  She comes through her memory of this and runs to Him once again whispering love as He holds her face in His hand and she goes to put her hand under His arm to help Him up.  Most of the time I cry watching this for the tenderness between child and mother is captured as well as Mary's vocation as first disciple is authentically played out. 

I ran into an old friend the other day at the store.  Hugs were shared as well as a quick conversation on family information.  I knew she had been very close to her mother and asked how she was.  Her demeanor and conversation were that of "exasperation".  Things had changed between them and mom was seen as having become relentlessly demanding of others and "troubled".  I told my friend that I had recently "had words" with my older daughters and that there are libraries filled with material written on what occurs between us as women...one growing older while the other transforms into a complete personhood.  I could have found myself being comforted that this type of relationship struggle happens a lot but I was not.  Instead it has been on my mind almost continuously and I have asked God to please bring His wisdom to my heart and my mind so that my future actions will be motivated by His love.

One thing I am fairly certain about within this Mother/Daughter battle is that we have given up looking for each others "Godliness".  We are all made in the image of God so He is there within the makeup somewhere.  We have also stopped affirming and celebrating being in relationship with each other.  The stress of differences crowd out the memories of love shared, sacrifices made, and support given.  Instead it seems that sparring over whether or not one has the right to make good or bad choices or whether we have been fully present in ways that were desired but came up short fill the airwaves.  Gentle hugs, warm "I love you's", and genuine desire to know what is occurring within one's life are smothered out by fear of possible conflict, "distance", vicious voicing of character "flaws", and the desire to have less troubling people within the "inner circle" of intimate relationships.  Before you know it there is little to share in conversation and proximity to one another.

Christ suffered and died for this?  I think it a good question to ask.  Those of us whose mothers have died can spread the guilt and shame by stating the fact that "You should be loving your mother because you do not know what it is like when she dies" but that only goes so far.  Many feel that life just may be a little easier without old mom around to point out possible difficulties or shortcomings.  But when we place the situation within the framework of Christ's suffering and death with the knowledge that He states to us that He came so that we may live and live abundantly, then all of us whose relationship between mother and daughter is not abundant must ask ourselves why not.  The answer cannot be, in truth, that the other person just isn't making it abundant for us.  For we are all capable of making choices that feed abundance; choices of mercy, compassion, assistance, etc.

I have let my daughters down.  I certainly am not and have not been a perfect mother.  I am trying to improve on being a more faith-filled daughter of God knowing that this should spill over into all of my relationships.  This Holy Week I put my relationships with my daughters and my son on the altar of my heart and ask God for the power of His resurrection to move us further into the fruitfulness of His abundance.  For some divine reason He has chosen that we be in relationship to one another as Mother and Child and Child and Mother.  It has been imperfect but I know in my heart that calling upon Him to once again bless these unions will right-order all that is possible within them.

May you have a quiet, reflective Holy Week with God.  May He bring renewal to your life through His resurrection and continued reign of mercy.  May you right order Him as your Savior and feel the peace that this brings.  AMEN

Keep Me Focused, O Lord!

Yesterday as I was walking with my two daughters from the car to the church for Mass I saw a small figure sitting on the pavement of the driveway with a sign in front of her saying "Homeless Vet. Please help."  I saw eyes looking out from the blanket that was wrapped around this person meant for warmth and/or hiding.  I groaned a little inside at what appeared to be a well maneuvered attempt to get money from Christians at the very doorway of their faith that would most certainly want for them to give alms to the poor and needy.  It was a bold, and from what I could see by the way others were handing out money, and well calculated move.

You see...I worked with the homeless and poor for ten years.  Many of them were veterans.  In the hope of helping them alter the cycle of homelessness I worked directly with Veteran Service Officers and Homeless Veteran staff.  Most of these professionals who were veterans themselves talked very openly against this type of attempt at getting quick aid because it was viewed as an undignified act for a person formerly in the military and an undignified act that presented the view that service providers were not helping or doing what was needed to help these individuals.  In reality it usually was those individuals who did not want to change their lifestyle or who were severely mentally ill and were not thinking about "dignity" that were panhandling in this way.  Whatever this situation was, though, it brought me back to the recognition of possible manipulations that in this case appeared to be very dramatic and successful.

A sin occurred during this Sunday walk from car to church.  I didn't stop walking at least not until I was almost to the door.  I saw this cold figure and kept walking on holding hands with my daughters.  My mind started to race with memories and mental checklists.  I hadn't worked with someone impoverished in this way for a long long time.  For a few seconds I did not know what to do.  Then, God's grace overcame my sin and jolted me into turning around and going back.  I said "hello" and was greeted with a woman's toothless grin.  Another parishioner who had been standing and staring at the figure handed her a $5 bill.  I asked her why she wasn't at any of the shelters where she could be warm and she said they "were all full".  I told her I had worked at the shelter and thought that it would be nice if she would let me take her there for a warm Sunday breakfast.  She declined.  I asked her what branch of the service she had been in and she said the "Navy".  I told her that staff from the VA frequented the shelters and they would help her.  She did not seemed surprised and still declined.  I invited her to come into church and sit with us in Mass and she told me she was from Arizona and as an Indian could not enter the church.  Like so many others before her I knew when the questions needed to cease so I told her that if she changed her mind, we would drive her to the shelter after Mass.  She thanked me and I returned to my family and went into the church.

My heart was troubled.  I didn't "feel" that I had handled things well and I was disappointed in myself that I almost walked on by.  I asked God to open my heart and let me know if I was to stay worshiping Him or return to talk with this homeless woman.  I didn't really get a sense of His direction but I had my daughter go and check to see if she was still there because I was going to go and re-engage her.  She was gone, nowhere in sight.  I was left with the memory that I hadn't even asked her her name.  I didn't even tell her mine.  Outside of Christ's house and I didn't even engage her as my sister in Christ.  It was a very poor response on my part.  I have become lax in my "seeing" and "hearing" and am in need of God's grace to stay focused on those around me who need me to be His comfort.  It is a sin; a sin as cold and demeaning as any other sin.  She wasn't at fault for my sin.  It was me...quick, distracted, fragmented, disconnected, measuring need.  God, please forgive me! and may this woman with her "yes ma'ams" forgive me for my inward groan at coming across her.  She may not even have needed the money.  She may be getting a pension.  She may have a home.  She may have a ride waiting to pick her up at 10 a.m. when Mass begins.  The sin is mine because I did not even dignify her life by asking her her name!

Spiritual Healing For Women Within the Church

On Sunday, while at Mass, I found myself staring at the altar and wondering what it would be like if all women and girls attending were invited up the steps to its holy place as an attempt at healing the affects of the disconnect that has been purported over generations.  I could feel within me the beginning sensations of a possible happiness; happiness to belong to a Church that truly believes in healing experiences, forgiveness, and the destruction of compartments.  I do not belong to such a Church for women and girls continue to experience the suffering of separation and placement within the current order. This statement is not about "women priests"; this statement is about the actualized dignity of each female person within the Church created by God and having the life giving breath of the Holy Spirit within her.  She is called to know this person and her beautiful gifts to be given to the Church and the world but is left with stunted choices that do not speak to the spirit within.

I know from experience that there are many convents where the sisters tend their altars and preach from their ambos to one another.  I know from experience that there are many priests who have the desire to help heal this fraction within the Church but because they do not enter into dialogue with the women who could assist them, they do not know what to do.  I know from my continued research that there are women who are writing daily about this necessary healing between the co-stewards of God's creation.  I just can't seem to place my finger on the fear that is keeping so many eyes and ears of faith closed to the well-documented movement of the Spirit of God.

This morning in my reading I came across some information and writings by a woman theologian, Phoebe Palmer, who wrote in the the 19th century about women and finding their identity at the altar "She finds her life and her power to speak in surrendering to the Word of God."  Now, how beautiful is that; how beautiful would it be to draw all of our senior women, who knew only distance from the altar unless they cleaned it, and draw them in to its holy placement while telling them "You, O Sister, belong here; you are a daughter of Christ whose identity as human woman comes from this place.  Now, please tell me, what does your spirit tell you from within?" 

 Why, O Church, do you continue to teach one thing and practice another?  As a mother I know this would cause chaos in my home.  My children would be confused and ultimately angry or depressed that they would not be able to trust my reactions and my directions.  They would see me as hypocritical and lose respect for me as their mother.  Are their correlations here?  This isn't rocket science; this is looking inward at Church and self and finding the truth of God within.  We can do this and do this well so that "all will be well and all will be well".

Lord, if it be Your will, help us to get here soon so that Your Church may enter more fully into its fruitfulness and the song of a woman's heart will be one of joy and dancing. With lyre and harp she will go, her and her little ones, down from the altar and into the aisles, head held high and voice sweet with worship.  She will be strengthened by Your witnessing to her identity as child of Yours.  Her spirit will grow in the grace of Your Spirit and she will be strengthened in all ways to do Your will.  Help her, O God; Help me, O my God, to do what I can to make this happen.  AMEN.

Which Spiritual Gift Should Be Exalted?

A few days ago I went to my daughter's school for parent/teacher conferences.  As I was waiting for another parent to be finished I roamed the halls looking at art projects, a prayer corner, scientific symbols, etc.  As I turned a corner I noticed a large colored poster listing the pictures and names of all of the priests of the diocese and the pictures of seminarians and the places where they are studying.  I couldn't help but feel a little disconnected from them as my brothers in Christ.  I began thinking of my own journey in my theological education and wondering how helpful it would have been for me to be noticed by my parish and the diocese as one following her calling by the Holy Spirit to study and write theology.  I also thought about the four spiritual discernment students who have so couragiously faced the differences between their False Self and their Authentic Self and what sacrifices this has cost them.  They, too, would certainly have benefitted from the prayerful support of the parish and the life affirming comments that their brothers and sisters in Christ could have greeted them with.  They are lay leaders of the Church going forward into the uncertainty of faith and they do not even know how the Holy Spirit is using them to bring Him to the church and to the world.

So many of us are so used to being the "other" within our parish community that we do not even make note of it anymore.  The body of Christ in which no spiritual gift is to be above another has created a hierarchical picture of what is important and has been so successful that the laity doesn't even question themselves about the gifts of the Spirit once it has been determined they are not being called to ordination or the religious life.  This is an institutional manipulation of faithful that continues to create an atmosphere in which women and men are spiritually imprisoned and deprived of the wisdom of God. 

In the 1990's Pope John Paul II apologized to women within the Church for the Church's role in denying them equality of dignity.  What a wonderful thing to seek forgiveness but is it truly forgiveness that is sought when change is not expected and demanded.  It reminds me of a political program that I watched one day where a homosexual speaker was talking about the need for laws changing because when left to "reason", homosexuals and others who have lived as different were not truly respected in their difference. They were still the "other". 

The Church with all of its knowledge and all of its grace certainly should be able to move forward in the Spirit of Christ and open wide its doors to the different gifts that are being provided for the sake of Christ's mission.  This should not be rocket science.  So what is the problem here?  Why are there posters with only pictures of men and the special callings that they have?  Where are the women?  Where are the laity?  Why not a wall of faithful for the children to see as role models of faith?  What is the fear here that still keeps us only affirming and celebrating a few?  Do these deserve to be on this poster?  Absolutely, yes.  Do they deserve to be prayed for and assisted in faith and through the means of benefactors?  Absolutely, yes.  But so does every other person who going forth with "yes" on their lips.  They need to be able to clarify their gifts and their vocations within the body of Christ or the body hurts as Scripture tells us; the Church hurts; the children hurt, and most of all of those who feel displaced and limited are hurt. 

We, as the Church, need to change this.  We need to be open to the Holy Spirit to speak up when opportunity comes.  We need to write about our disagreement with this way of presenting our parish.  We need to "see" and "hear" those who are struggling because of it.  We cannot pass this on to someone else for if not us, then who? Amen.

It Is Just and Necessary

In her writing, “A Matter of Justice and Necessity, Women’s Participation in the Catholic Church”, Mary Coloe PVRM presents a respectful and educational introduction to the problem within the Catholic Church of women being prevented from “truly being themselves”.  She begins by citing a letter written by Pope John Paul II where he apologizes to all women for the part played by “members of the Church” in this “spiritual impoverishment” and that this “regret be transformed on the part of the whole Church, into a renewed commitment of fidelity to the Gospel vision.”  What a beautiful and wise foundation to be set for renewal within the Church.  Ms. Coloe goes on to write that despite Pope John Paul II’s prophetic words, there has been little transformation that has taken place within the Church to bring about “real equality” as “a matter of justice and necessity.” 

I appreciated her article enough to have my 14-year-old daughter read it so that she would be introduced to the historical writings of some affirmed within the Church such as Tertullian, St. Ambrose, St. John Chrysostom, St. Augustine, and Martin Luther who wrote words so disrespectful to the spirit of women, relegating all of our sex to be used by males for higher ideals. I told her that I felt it important that she begin to be aware of the “other side of the story”, the “female experience”, that has not had opportunity within the Church and within the world to be heard.  My hope and prayer is that she will see within her generation an expectation, a demand for these stories of faith lived giving us God’s revelation of Himself through the lens of His created female.  I have to say that she was somewhat distressed to discover that what she has been given so far within her faith formation is so lacking in God’s justice; that the words told to her about love and charity and God’s goodness have been so misconstrued within the body of her faith community that it is almost unnoticeable until one comes face to face with its injustice.

As I was reading Ms. Coloe’s article I wrote at the bottom of one of the pages a question that summed up my own distress, “Would the institutional Church truly acknowledge injustices within Herself and spontaneously spring forth within Her spirit to express Christ’s compassionate love and change what it is that needs changing?”  My daughter answered my question for me when she stated “Mom, you know the answer is “no” otherwise this article would not have been written”.  We then talked about how hard it is to know that your Church is sinful in this way. 

This sin that keeps girls, young women, mature women, and elderly women from engaging their “true, authentic selves” in which the Spirit of Christ touches their spirit with His gifts and vocations and stunts them from being fully fruitful within the Church and the world is a sin against the Spirit of God, Himself.  It isn’t just a question of right, or justice, or equality, it is a sin of creating an impenetrable wall against the movement of the Holy Spirit.  When we have recognition by our Holy Father and we have his apology on behalf of the Church, Herself, then what do we call it when it continues to exist?  What do we call this lack of noticeable transformation?  We have to ask the question “Why are women still knocking at the door of the Church and not allowed or desired to come in and express their own spirit within?”  It cannot be called anything less than sin and its continued existence within should cause us to go back and alter all of our ecumenical writings that the Church has done in regards to its pursuit of truth within difference.  For truth is beckoning at the door to be desired, not feared.  The Holy Spirit that moves one to live in a way that is counter cultural, in a way that is leaven for the world, in a way that is a light upon a hilltop will also show the Church, through the fullness of its members how to move forward in penance for past and present wrongs.

If us women do not feel the need to tell our stories of faith for a fuller life at this time, then we need to look deep inside of ourselves and re-discover our desire for true love and do it for the Holy Spirit of God and for our children's sakes. AMEN.

Comment Diffiuclty

I think that I have finally fixed the difficulty with the "comment" section of this blog so please feel free to share your reflections.

NO MORE SIN, MY BROTHERS!!

No more sin, my brothers!  I write this and the words on the screen just lack the intensity of my emotion.  NO MORE SIN, MY BROTHERS!! I scream this out to you with the fierceness that Christ, Himself, yelled to the moneylenders in the temple.  STOP this sinfulness of lust and sex, lies and deception that has seeped into the house of our God.  This house belongs to us women, your sisters, too, and His altar is our altar and you, as the powerful male leadership, have allowed our brothers to defile our families of faith and cause trauma to those beautiful children held up at their baptisms for all of us to claim as ours and those vulnerable adults whose trust led them into the backs of sanctuaries and broom closets.  And, as if this was not enough, we are deluged with stories of coverups, payments, threats, legal stalling, etc. that continue to emerge even after the initial stories of abuses have faded; stories that carry with them the names of priests, bishops, archbishops, and all the way to the Vatican.  This has to stop!  We are not above the judgment of God that He has brought upon other cities before us.  Yes, the Holy Spirit was given to us to guide us and be with us throughout the ages but never forget that all that is needed for this Church of His to continue is to have two or three gathered in His name and as Noah and Moses and Abraham and Mary all lived, a holy "yes" can carry its faith, its hope, and its love forward. 

Last night I watched a Frontline documentary on the abuses of children and adults within the Catholic Church.  I did not want to watch this.  I had just happened upon this show while flipping through channels and within a few minutes of listening my emotions were jumping between feeling like throwing up, sadness, embarrassment, shame, etc.  This is not the first time that I have listened to stories of rape and violence, for I worked with the homeless and poor for ten years, but it is the first time that I have listened to stories like the one where a young 8-year-old girl was raped on the floor of the church by the parish priest and had to wash the blood off of her legs with water from the Baptismal font.  He has since died but she is left one among hundreds whose story has not found peace and healing within the Church; one among hundreds who, if fortunate, have found some priests and other pastoral people willing to meet with her regularly to lift her up and affirm her despite the ridiculing of other leadership.   

The place of this attack was an intimate place for me for being Catholic all of the churches are our home, blessed and carried within them the Body of Christ in the Tabernacle that was probably only feet away from this mortally sinful attack.  Her tears would have pooled on the marble where many of us walk to recieve Communion. I couldn't help but look at her and say out loud as one Catholic woman to another "I am so very sorry".  When I watched as much as I could and then went to bed, the prayer that was on my lips was "Father, do You really want us to forgive these priests and the hierarchical system of clericalism that provides a breeding ground for these atrocities?"

This morning I remain saddened at what is happening within the Church that I have loved all my life but my thoughts remain with this woman and how I, as woman and mother,  would have wanted to take her in my arms and try to soothe her pain away while scanning the horizon for the one who hurt her as a lioness watches out for her cubs.  She spoke of how the priest told her after his vicious attack that "If she told anyone, no one would believe her and her parents would both burn in hell".  She talked about how she had been raised in her faith formation to believe that the priestly vocation was the closest one could get to God in this human lifetime.  I recognized those words from my youth and I am glad that I witnessed her saying them for I have struggled in my adult life with wondering about God's calling to me, a lay woman, and where in the world I fit among the "greater" callings.  I know now that there is no greater calling than one who hears and follows with a holy "yes" and a pure heart.  Her story, horrible as it is, has brought wisdom to me in the awareness that God has truly called me to be present within this Bride of His, the Catholic Church, to those who suffer and this is no less than the hands of those who stand at the altar. 

In the course of my professional work sitting next to thousands whose life experiences have placed them on the periphery of the "normal" I came to understand that none of this takes place in a vacuum.  When children are abused, grandparents, aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews are aware.  When wives are beaten, friends and family know.  When poverty strikes and a family begins to suffer, there are signs.  We are communal and within this we share responsibility.  Why?  Because God gave us to each other as co-stewards of His creations.  As co-steward this morning, I say no more!  Your money changing table is being overturned.  May all of us women who have stood on the sidelines for so long feel compeled to put on our "big girl" panties, step over that line in the sand and bring cleanliness back to this House of the Lord.  We are His daughters and our daughters and sons are being harmed.  We need to put a stop to this in the Name of our Lord, Jesus Christ.  If it means the end of clericalism, then let it die a quick death.  If it means that women need to enter into all facets of leadership within the Catholic Church, then may the will of God be done.  If it means that we must fight with a fierceness of faith like that of the lioness, then may St. Joan of Arc be at our side.  But may God have mercy on our souls if we go one more day with this occurring right under our noses and we do nothing to assist the children and adults in our care. AMEN!

On Our Own Authority

Scripture, as quoted above, tells us that we are the only ones capable of clarifying the movement of our spirits.  This is our authority, our diginity, that only we can explain fully from the knowledge of our selves in relationship to the Holy Spirit of God.  No other human has the ability nor the knowledge to express in a most intimate way to us who we are, what our purpose is, and how it is that God loves us.

There have been many occasions within the Church and the world where those who have entered into a deeper revelation of themselves through their relationship with God have had to stand up for what it is that they knew to be the truth.  Writers have recorded their speaking with an authority that appeared to be otherworldly.  Jesus was one of those written about whose noticeable difference as prophet came from His depth of understanding of the Jewish people's covenant with God and subsequent law and the way He opened up this divine knowledge with authority as one "who was God".  It is St. Paul in 1 Corinthians who expresses to all the faithful that we, too, have His same authority for our spirit within gifted to us through the grace of His Holy Spirit has the capability to enter into an awareness of our complete fruitfulness and  reason for living.

So, how is it, that on so many occasions we allow others to diminish our authority and by doing so diminish our very selves and the worthiness we have of being alive and in relationship to God, others, and the world?  How is it that we, as women, have allowed our very dignity to be distorted and compartmentalized so sufficiently that we have played a role in the enculturation of our daughters and granddaughters into this same imprisonment of spirit?  Is it that we have been convinced that a woman's life is supposed to be filled with suffering and rejection for imperfections brought about by Eve's sin?  Is it that we have been convinced that we are to sacrifice our very selves for the sake of all who appear to be in need of something from us?  Is it that we have allowed ourselves to think that God loves us just a little less than the men whom He created for we are weaker?  less knowledgeable? less powerful? I write these words and I cannot help but wonder how we have been able to take this authority of Christ and bury it for He has lifted up our worth and told us in His words that we are to "Love one another AS WE LOVE OURSELVES".  He has told us to "Rise, go, and sin no more".  He has loved us by teaching us that Mary, who placed herself at his feet to listen and to learn, was in the better place than the kitchen busy with work.  He has opened His arms to us by lifting up and affirming His mother as first apostle, first woman, healer of Eve's wounds through her "yes" in the breath of wills.  And here we stand in this most affluent of ages with our ability to know and instruct with all the authority and dignity that we have been given from God above and, instead, so many of us  choose "tidbits" of ourselves to be shared frightengingly behind the smoke screen of social media.  We have been blessed with the availability of reaching so many with so much graced knowledge of Him who loved us to His death and instead there are so many times that we focus on "selfies" and hope that others will find them worthy of the superficial relationship that they imply. How is this happening?

I suppose I can answer my own question through my theological knowledge of sin and satan's ability to address our imaginations.  He, through his cunningness and subtle ways of using tidbits of truth, can bring to our minds images of pain and suffering and disempowerment and poverty and subsequently bring about feelings of dread and fear.  What we have learned as Christians, though, is that there is nothing that he can truly do that will bring us further away from God.  It is only us, through our decisions and actions, that bring us away from the One who relieves all fear and turns us back inwards to self knowledge and the discovery of His Spirit within desiring so much to be in deeper relationship with our own.  Only then does our fear and despair diminish and we, once again, know the comfort of our loving God and the ceasing of all anguish.  

With all this knowledge of the promises of God what shall we do with these opportunities to be in dialogue with one another such as e-mail, facebook, twitter, blogging, etc.?  Ask God in your prayers today how He wants you to use these informational advancements for His glory?  Ask Him what it is that He wants for you to share in your interactions today?  Ask Him how you can use all of your powers and gifts to affect your experiences today with all of your created dignity and authority and then pray unceasingly for His protection and strength so that you may overcome the resistances and fears that you will surely encounter.  Then, go out and serve the Lord as one more fully alive in the Spirit of God who knows and loves your very special spirit for He made you in His image and likeness.  AMEN.

Women's Stories

In my morning readings today...Hildegard of Bingen and Gender and Theology...I am left with the question that keeps surfacing since Pope Francis has so graciously asked for a deeper awareness of the theology of women and that is "Is a Theology of Women necessary and is it a healthy movement for the Church?"  One of the writers within the Concilium, Gender and Theology, gets to the point of stating that we need to have gender theologies to get to the fullness of justice.  What they do is take an indepth look at power struggles, stereotypes, disadvantages, etc. and ultimately, in my words, lead us to the naming of sinful behavior and how we can seek the will of God and enter into a state of renewal.  It is using the gender to seek out God's revelation of Himself within so that movement can be made towards moral improvement.  A problem that surfaces fairly quickly, though, is that the Christian church has a history of using gender to demoralize and dehumanize, so much so, that Pope John Paul II in the late 1990's felt called to apologize for its use in minimizing the dignity of women.  Many people are afraid today that continuing towards a gender specific theology will continue to compartmentalize women in the place of the "other", the "less than", the "one who led Adam astray".
My spirit keeps going back to this idea of a fullness of justice, though, and asking the Holy Spirit "How can we enter this difficult place, this threatening place of uncertainty, to uncover the atrocities that continue to occur towards women and still move with love towards a fullness of understanding of God's self-revelation through men and women?"  I think the answer comes through St. Hildegard and many others like her...their witness.  Women need to tell their stories of faith.  It is simple yet complicated in the fact that most women are not comfortable witnessing to their lives of faith.  They feel that their lives are unexceptional and they are more the reflection of the "masses" of Christians/Catholics in the pews on Sunday mornings. 

I went looking on the web yesterday for a Catholic Women's magazine that I could possibly contact regarding submissions of writings.  I have to say I was disappointed in what is currently being offered because I did not see anything that is addressing in an ongoing way this solicitation of Pope Francis'.  There are no ongoing columns regarding women within the Catholic Church.  I just get this sense of a very distinct disconnect between daily living of faith and witnessing to the faith in ways that can challenge, affirm, and support others.  This may be an impending issue leading to lack of investment and interest in the New Evangelization.

I am not sure what is the best way to engage women in opening up and telling their stories and allowing the Holy Spirit to use them in whichever way He wills.  I welcome all ways of trying and suggestions of other possibilities.  What I am sure of is that in my life I have been called through all of my experiences to be an ambassador of wonder and  possibilities.  With women, this means that the Church can use some of its ecumenical understanding of love and difference to be in relationship with women in a fuller and more authentic way and women can be fortified by the women who have gone before and left their stories as wives and mothers and daughters of how they were graced by God's divine strength to move forward in their journeys of faith and how they proceeded to build up the Kingdom of God within the Church and in the world. Blessings....

Who Are These "Others" Within the Church?

As I continue to read about the "other" Christian women who have worked hard and suffered much to bring comfort and faith to the homeless and poor, I wonder to myself how they ever became the "other" within the institution of the Church; I wonder until I remember that Christ, Himself, was the "Other" within the community of God's people.  He came and spoke with authority about the deeper meaning, the true meaning of the law and its intention.  He was able to point out to the Jewish leadership how mistaken they were in raising up the rigidity of the law over love of God's people, revealing to them that faith in God is a "lived" faith; a faith, a belief, that draws one to be opposed to the status quo of the age.  It is counter cultural and presents itself as a "light", a "salt", that brings hope and authenticity. 

Many of these women tried various things to engage the Church in relationship with their visions and the compassionate love that ensued and the Church responded many times with fear and power.   Some of these women were put to death, others were squelched as being too sensual in their writing about their love for Christ, others were silenced because their practices of generosity and assistance shed a less than favorable light on the priesthood of the time, etc.  Some of the women who were given gifts of writing had their names removed from the writings while others had their writings burned or banned.

What we have been left with today are thoughts of their courage and bravery as they wrote about their relationship with the Trinity and the goodness that this relationship drew from them to be given to the world as gift.  No, not all of these women went forward in sainthood.  I am sure some gave in to their fear and distress brought on by their dislocation or the impending doom of possible dislocation and they relented and felt the "woe" of a life lived "less than".  A call from the Holy Spirit that draws one inward to be strengthened and nourished by the Body and Blood of grace and moves one outward into church/world vocations places all who are willing to be led into this place of "otherness".

In the course of this reading I am discovering how this "otherness" does continue to present itself within the Church.  The theological writers and editors explain that the "other", who sees him/her self as the "other" will, out of fear, curb their spontaneous faith so that their "otherness" that they know exists will be lessened and they will be more successful at fading into the shadows.  How sad is that.  How true is that.  We, in allowing fear to lead us, become less woman, less black, less poor, less disabled, less divorced, less spirit so that we can remain somewhat connected to the faith community that we are taught God wants us to be connected to.  Think of what that means for a moment.  We have constructed most of our parishes and faith communities to present itself as a particular "way" of living faith that has a particular "look" about it and many within its numbers are attending fearful that their authentic selves might be found out and exposed.  It reminds me of a question I posed to our parish council one meeting "Who is this perfect Catholic that we always seem to be comparing someone to?"  I was frustrated with some of the conversation and righteous verbage being presented and truly became concerned that there was a visual of someone, other than Christ, that we were all supposed to act like and be like.  It needed to be asked.  There was no reply but silence can be a teaching moment also.

I have felt like the "other" in many different settings.  My need to know "why" put me on the outside of my siblings; my need to witness to a "whole" way of serving the homeless and poor made me "conflicted" to those who wanted a simple system presented and upheld; my need to give my entire life over to the will of God has made my committment to financial responsibility suspect and annoying to some; my need to present God as active within the world has brought ridicule and disrespect on some occasions; and now, my work with Spiritual Discernment and the need to present it to as many people as possible as a way to the authority of self-knowledge and the lifting up in affirmation and celebration by God who graces all who desire Him, I am threat.  I leave you today with the words of a Christian hymn that I have sung at Mass recently "Of whom should I be afraid?  Of whom should I be afraid?"  May God forgive me for all of the times I did anything to make someone else's spirit shrink in shame and fear and may He bring about my salvation through His giving me His cup to drink". AMEN!

The Other Within

I purchased a book recently entitled, Women, Writing, Theology, and in the Introduction I was introduced to the concept of "the other within".  This is a concept that I am hoping will help me to clarify in my mind and in my heart the "why" as to the reason so many women feel "displaced" as the "other" within the Church and yet we have been so uniformly and willingly used to re-create this displacing scenario for our children, especially our daughters.

There seems to be an ongoing societal and religious understanding that God created woman's dignity, any woman's dignity, less than a man's and it presents itself in her needing to be given a "place", a "compartment", a "way" with boundaries in which to live her life because if she is given an open door, so many keep questioning the status quo of what they are living.  If her dignity, her very soul, is encouraged to be discovered, celebrated, and affirmed, the thought seems to be that she most surely will cause conflict and try to move into areas of life that have been determined by societal and church leadership that are not for her.  The saddest and most sinful part of this painful picture is that the Holy Spirit of God whose Spirit moves where He wills and touches the spirit of any human that He wills, including a woman's is denied.  For me this way of maintaining the status quo seems to be way too close to the unforgivable sin that Christ presented to His faithful.  To deny the Holy Spirit is certain death. 

As one who has known relationship with the Holy Spirit since a young child I can witness truthfully to His impact on my life.  I can also witness truly to my sinful acts when I was most distant from focusing on Him.  I find it an amazing revelation to me that as I move myself into my desired life of being thoroughly awashed in God that I am being drawn into this place of feminism within the church and I am seeing with fresh eyes how many women have suffered while trying to be their "authentic" selves.  They were and are motivated by the Spirit of God to be all that they were created to be and with that, of course, have approached their communities of faith with a vibrance and joy that comes with being on the right path, only to confront fear, disappointment, resistance, etc.  I, too, have experienced some of this resistance by my ordained brothers and yet I have also received affirmation, celebration, and encouragement to keep asking the pertinent questions by others.  There cannot be a finger pointing that takes place here only a questioning and a courage to engage reflection.

Fear has always been satan's playground.  We have so many fears as human beings that he has an unending ability to play with our imaginations and move us to worry about impending scenarios that certainly will cause our lives to be more painful.  It is within this battle of good and evil that the "other" is engaged.  We, as human beings trying to reason our troubles away, seek systematic answers; action and reaction.  The Holy Spirit asks us to turn away from satan and focus on Him, to discern with Him God's will and to do this we need to begin asking reasonable questions such as "What would it cost the church to "ask" women, or everyone for that matter, how the Holy Spirit is moving within their spirit?  What danger would be unleashed if all the faithful were asked about their "spiritual gifts" and those discerned to have "special graces" were lifted up to the congregation as helpmates on this earthly journey of faith?  What raucous would it cause to allow adult lay women to have ways in which they can clarify what is happening within their very souls?  How would the church be conflicted by those of us who have had mystical experiences to be given a place to express them and have a communal prayer to assist in determining their purpose within the modern day church?"  One priestly brother told me of a woman in his congregation who clearly had a mystical experience every time she experienced the Eucharist.  I quote him " I don't know what to do with her?"  No, he didn't know what to do with her.  In fact, it disturbed him to continue to watch her and he came to the conclusion that he expressed to me that most priests do not want to deal with people like her (the other).  Instead, they want to say the Mass and give the homily and blessings and have this nice, neatly bound up presentation of Sacrament for the people without needing to be party to this type of supernatural, spiritual experience.  As I write this I wonder how in the world did we get here.  Here we have this gift of Christ's that is the sacrament of the Eucharist that fills us with His Spirit; here we have this bread and wine that through the Mass and the charism of the priest is turned into Christ's body and blood and yet there is an aversion to the supernatural, spiritual experience of the Spirit also happening in this profound way and the desire is to minimize and disengage?  No, he probably doesn't know how to help this woman because it isn't his charism that can but someone like myself who has been given this holy gift to discern could and she would find comfort in her faith knowing that she is not an "other" within the community of the Church. 

Take time to reflect today on the many "others" that we have systematically side lined within the Church.  Who are they?  Why have we done this?  What has motivated us and what part do we play?  Blessings on your day....

Spiritual Discernment

The Holy Spirit is moving souls to go "inward" to discover His presence there, grow more deeply in love with Him, and then spontaneously be thrust outward into the church and the world doing Christ's ministry of compassionate love.

As I told you yesterday, God was moving my heart through my series of professional rejections to living more fully in Him.  As I began to ask myself more and more questions about my life and my choices and what I saw as my identity, I began to realize that all of the spiritual gifts He had given me had been placed in the compartment of "difficult Jen".  I was "too" deep, too intense, too demanding, too desperate....and the day had to come when, in my writing to God (which I did often), He showed me that all of my traits that I had pushed away as "too" were actually His gifts playing themselves out in a very childlike manner.  My writing which began in a "Please help me understand format" quickly turned into a revelation of my sinfulness in allowing my spiritual gifts to be minimized, chastised, and hidden, and I was told "never go here again".  I was very close to denying the Holy Spirit through my bitterness.  Of course, I did not know that I was moving towards denying His Person and power but when faced with it, all of my senses shivered at the thought of the one sin that Christ spoke of being unforgivable. 

I began to pray almost ceaselessly, asking God in a type of mantra to show me His way.  I loved going to a local college library and looking for books on many church matters and personal spirituality and soon I discovered that I was bringing home books on "discernment".  I had never paid attention to that word before and it certainly had no place in my day-to-day living. I could tell that my mind was opening up or shedding its baggage for me to be "curious" about God's relationship with me and His willingness to actually draw me to things.  As I read about spiritual discernment, usually through the help of Protestant authors, I became enthralled at its ability to assist in directing the journeying seeker of faith.  I didn't know why but I was led to begin taking notes down in numerous notebooks and my vessel of knowledge was being filled.  I knew in my heart that the Holy Spirit was my teacher for there was no one else who was feeding me information or direction.  My life's desire was becoming more intentionally to do His will and go wherever He was leading me.  Church leadership, writing, theology, teaching....none of these things were even in my mind but I was ravenous for more.  It wasn't until I had picked up a book on St. Ignatius' Spiritual Exercises that I sat back in my kitchen chair and laughed.  I had never heard of these exercises before and yet here in my kitchen the Spirit himself was guiding me in the creation of a Twenty First century program for the laity that was very familiar with what St. Ignatius had been called to create.  I asked out loud "What are You doing with me? This is so cool." Tears flowed, as they always have when I feel the presence of God very strongly, and I remember feeling very humbled.  I knew the truth that was occurring and all I had to do was to continue to be faithful and keep pushing the fears that satan would taunt me with away. 

Spiritual Discernment is a "traditional" way for a human person to grow in self-knowledge and in doing so discover the depth of God's presence within themselves.  One is "called" by the Holy Spirit to discernment even if one thinks they are choosing this direction for themselves.  We need the grace of God to have the strength to look truthfully at our life and our choices.  St. Catherine was told in the midst of her Dialogue that there is no way that a finite human can make restitution for sins against infinite God.  There can only be desire and God's loving forgiveness.  God tells Catherine over and over how necessary it is that in our desire to know His will for our lives that we enter into the "holy virtue" of discernment so that we can gain this divine knowledge.  I have been witness to the revelation of its ability to transform the lives of students and bring to their awareness God's desired direction and I am witnessing to its beautiful gift of grace here.

The first assignment for a student within Spiritual Discernment is to write their autobiography and to share it with the rest of their cohort at the first group meeting.  It is amazing what surfaces during this simple act.  That is why I have put this invite out to others..so that they may begin to feel its healing affects and know that community of faith is just on the other side of the cursor waiting to be in relationship just as God within is waiting to be desired.  Blessings on your day....

From "Dark Night of the Soul" to "Spiritual Discernment"

When I was laid off from my professional job working with the homeless and poor 5 1/2 years ago, I was concerned, especially because the Great Recession occurred two days later, but thought I was old enough and wise enough to find some type of work that would allow me to assist people in a wholistic way.  Months later as anxiety and frustration built up within me my husband prophetically told me that he was quite sure that God knew how I would handle my job search as a professional and where it is I would go, and He was just gently closing every door behind me until I was completely baffled and confused.  I sat in the silence of my husband's words and asked God if that was true.  If I wasn't supposed to seek professional work, what was I supposed to do?  I knew I had many creative sorts of talents but none that I thought I could help support our family on.  Who would buy my chocolate chip cookies or banana bread that so many raved about?  Who would purchase my canned peaches and pears so that I could maintain an income of over $2,000 a month?  Who would want me to knit, crochet, or sew for them and pay an enormous price for my creations?  Realistically, I knew that noone would.  So, when my husband told me I needed to write because I had always moved him emotionally with my writings that he referred to as "soul writings", they fell in the same category as my baking and other creations.  Who would help me maintain the needs of my family, because they do have needs?  I sat many days staring out into the changing seasons with a heavy heart that moved between curiosity and shame on a daily, even an hourly, basis.

I thought I had been a prayerful person but it wasn't until I sat one day in the heat of my car that wouldn't start that I felt myself falling....falling...falling into the darkness of despair.  I knew that I had loving adult children who would help us but for me I had reached a point of utter helplessness.  There was nothing, I felt, that I could do for myself.  It was my entrance into "the dark night of the soul" that St. John of the Cross wrote about so lovingly.  It was my entrance into a period of necessary "cleansing" from our culture's systematic approach to self-sufficiency so that I could be washed clean of its sinful self-focus and greed.  In its web I had convinced myself that I was the one who, through my work and pay, was taking care of my needs and those of my husband and children.  God's grace and abundance was nowhere to be found.  It was my doing so that when my position ended, it was somehow my doing that we were suffering.  I knew nothing of the season of "leanness" and my fears had led me to physical anxiety and exhaustion.  I just happened to listen to Joyce Meyer's program one morning at this particular point in time when she through her wisdom stated that "My faith cannot be based on my circumstances".  I laid down on the kitchen floor, which I did whenever I heard the wee, small voice tell me to give myself over, and asked God to forgive me.  I entered into that breath of wills and gave mine over to His.  I heard the word "steadfast" in my mind again and again and knew that I needed to desire faithfulness not employment; I needed to desire His promised abundance not the power of purchase or the illusion of security; I needed to desire His gifts given to me not the talents I had.  I got up from the floor, wiped my tears, and went forward into the unknown future feeling a little more genuine in the strength of God.

One night as I wondered about what it was that I could do for God, I thought about how nice it would be if there was something into place at the parish for me to go and talk with others about where I could possibly go from here.  The Quakers referred to it as a "Clearing Committee"; a committee of wise elders who would meet with someone who had a life transition or question, who would ask questions, and then give advice that could be used or discarded by the seeker.  During this reverie of thought I began to wonder if there were any recurring "themes" in my life.  Themes that might point me in a fruitful direction.  I started to write down all of the professional positions that I had held and discovered that they all fell under the defining term of "mercy".  I had never thought of this before..that all of my positions had been assisting men, women, and children who were disenfranchised and living on the edge of our society.  This concept of "mercy" led me to scripture and the beatitudes and I began to wonder how this merciful draw and my mystical experiences could be connected and used by God to provide something compassionate and yet something that would hopefully help my family.  In a very short time I was compelled to contact my clinical supervisor and ask if there was any way I could come back into clinical study with the focus being on Religious Leadership and the creation of a program that could be offered at the parish to assist people who were finding themselves confused by transition, health difficulties, death, etc.  She, who isn't Catholic but Baptist,  not only agreed to allow this but offered her expertise to make sure that what I created had the best from both of us and then did this for free. Thus, Spiritual Discernment, was created through the Spirit's movement within us women and the open door of the church that we found along the way.  Its main ministry is to help all men, women, and children compelled by the Holy Spirit to a new understanding, a new awareness, through program concepts to seek out the will of God within their lives.

 I know with all my being that I have been called to do this work on behalf of the Holy Spirit.  I pray that I remain faithful despite my continued wandering in the uncertainty of how bills will be paid and groceries boughten.  My certainty, my foundation is that God loves me as His beloved daughter and He has given me spiritual gifts to use to mercifully help within the church and the world.  Upon this I am certain that He will provide for me and my children what we need through my efforts or through His continuing stir of the hearts of others to assist me.  May He be praised by all that I do.

Our Creation As Co-Steward

"In the beginning..then God said:  'Let us make man in our image, after our likeness.  Let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, the birds of the air, and the cattle, and over all the wild animals and all the creatures that crawl on the ground.' God created man in his image; in the divine image he created him; male and female he created them. God blessed them, saying to them: 'Be fertile and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it. Have dominion over the fish of the sea, the birds of the air, and all the living things that move on the earth'". (Genesis 1: 26-28)

There are two creation stories in Holy Scripture.  The first, the one just quoted, gives us a visual picture of God in dialogue with other(s) as He creates "man", consisting of male and female beings.  Within this version we are given the image of God as containing the infinite goodness of both male and female and His desire to create both as co-stewards of all the rest of His creation.  It is a version of equality, respect, dignity, and purpose; this purpose being to go forth, multiply, and oversee the use of all other created things.

The second creation story has many similarities but within this story we see the male, Adam, created first and given all these other creatures as gift from God; none, of course, fulfilling his needs.  First we are left wondering why our infinite, all-seeing, God would not have known that Adam was in need of Eve, or did He?  He then gives us the rest of the story by taking from Adam and using from him his rib to create Eve.  Certainly the first version has shown us that God needed nothing from Adam and yet we have this second version giving us the impression that somehow by taking from Adam he and Eve had a "natural" physical connection to one another.  Both were made in God's image and both, as the story of human will continues, are sinful in their longing for greatness. 

As I do some theological research on how women have been viewed since the beginning of historical perspectives I find that the viewing tends to go in one of two directions and may even merge on occasion.  The first view being that of "virgin"; a woman made pure and waiting to be chosen by a man so that she can further journey into the fulfillment of her life as wife and mother.  The second view is that of "fallen woman" or "temptress" who uses her body and sensual nature to lure a man from his supposed steadfast ways to enter into some form of sinful behavior.  Or we can have a third view which is either the pure woman giving into her sinful, lustful, desires, or the sinful woman discovering the grace of God and giving up her sensual behaviors and living out the rest of her life doing good works. 

For me, and I am assuming most women because there are libraries filled with writings from women who claim this is not a true picture of who they are as human beings created in the likeness of God, I can witness to the reality that none of these scenarios are the scenario of my life.  I am a complex human being whose faith has brought me the gift of God's grace and enlightened me to who I am as authentically created and humbling me as I see the truth of my sinfulness.  I can honestly say today that completely pure and completely sinful is not it.  None of the women I have known in my life fit within the compartments that we have had culturally created for us.  It leaves me wondering how we can have so many women's spirits within the church and the world be presented so wrongly and yet there is not a rebellion welling up within our very beings against the sinfulness of presenting us as something we are not.  And not only that but we en-culturate our young daughters and grand daughters into this same church and world by once again presenting to them the categories of their existence instead of asking them who their spirits are, what gifts they have been given, and what God wants from their lives.  May God forgive us for this.  I say that because there is no man, no other creature, who forces us to do this.  It is our sin as mother, grandmother, sister, aunt, and friend. 
So, the question becomes how do we change this?  How do we open wide the doors of our hearts, the church and the world to who our spirits truly are? Well, we know that Pope Francis, bless his heart, has put out a calling forth of knowledge and by doing this he knows that if us women ask the Holy Spirit to guide our dialogue into the truth of our dignity, that this truth will come forth in the form of self-knowledge and wisdom. But the choice is ours.  The choice is always ours to move closer towards God or move further from Him.

I read once that when women were motivated and demanding the right to vote that there was conversation about how women would now have to be accountable to God for their own sins.  Apparently before this time this idea of being taken care of by men also held within it that men were somehow responsible for the sins of their women.  So, whether as threat or whether as reviewal of truth women were put on notice and men relieved of am untrue burden.

So, on that note, I ask you "Who are you in the Spirit of Christ? What makes your spirit soar with joy and love?  What makes your spirit suffer and fall into the "pit" of the psalms? What happens to you when you are in relationship with the men in your life or other women?  What has happened to your curiosity about each other?"  Maybe that was the whole point of having two creation stories...that women and men being confused because the way women are presented and have been mistreated throughout history does not fit the truth of their dignity as created in the image of God and so we, with our finite minds, must turn to God in reflection and prayer to open up our understanding through the light of His grace for us to know the truth; we must turn to Him and desire His Spirit to enlighten our spirit. 

Could anything be so beautiful in our human lives as the Spirit of our God present to the spirit of our created dignity so that we are truly known and loved?  Are we not all desirous of a family, a church and a world in which others are curious about our spirits and who we are in the gifts and special graces given to us and to have a community of spirits, male and female co-stewards moving forward in life, ever willing to show compassionate love for one another and in this be joyful when we are joyful and sorrowful when we are sorrowful.  Is it our life before sin?  Maybe.  Our Scripture and Tradition, the two fonts of God's revelation to us, tell us that even though we may not reach the perfection present on the day of creation we can certainly move closer to its fruitfulness through being in dignified relationship with one another. So, go forth. woman.  In the very likeness of God, go forth.

Invitation to Share Your Story

"There is a time for every purpose under heaven."  Pope Francis recently called for a deeper awareness of a Theology of Women.  This has sparked a very hot dialogue with some about whether or not there should continue to be distinctions made between God and man and God and women or whether the "theology" should be more a "Theology of Humanity".  For ten years I worked with the homeless and poor and came to realize that I needed to be creative to get to the place of benefit for those that I served.  It wasn't about lying or being deceitful but about using all resources available to me even if I did not like what they were called or how they were distributed.  If I were to get caught up in the formality of these humanly created social systems, it became more about myself to fight them than to turn the other cheek and sometimes "slyly" get what was needed for the men, women, and children that I served.  

At this time within God's earthly creation I want to focus on Him and desire to do His will and through His goodness be a woman for women; a woman who has been given gifts of Knowledge, Wisdom, Prophecy, Discernment of Spirits, and Writing by the Holy Spirit through my baptism and confirmation and sent forth into the vocations of theology, spiritual discernment, writing, teaching, wife, and mother.  Through prayer and reflection it has come to me to provide a place for women to clarify their faith journeys so that all who are guided to read their words will be given the knowledge and wisdom that will come through their revelation; from spirit to spirit and from self-knowledge in the presence of the Spirit of God we can assume that this is holy ground for human words to try and express a faith lived.

This invitation goes out to all women of faith from youth to elderly to tell their story and open up dialogue with one another.  It is also an invitation to men who want to seek out the "fullness" of God's human creation story; men who respect the women in their lives and who want to be a part of this engaging dialogue. So, to begin this I will tell my own story.  I ask that those who contribute try to keep their reflections to one page.  It will be through the continued dialogue that the fullness of their story will emerge.  Thank You.
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I was born in Northwestern Minnesota in the small town of Red Lake Falls, the youngest of 4.  I was baptized Catholic and within a short time my father abandoned our family never to return.  My mother raised us children through her sacrifice and subsequent nursing education and career.  She made sure that we had the opportunity to attend Catholic School in which payment was put aside through my washing of chalk boards in classrooms after school and my brother's sweeping of hallways.  I graduated from Mt. St. Benedict Academy in Crookston, MN and proceeded into marriage at 18 years old.

As a young child I always knew that there was something different about me.  I had had my first mystical experience at the age of 2 at which time I felt myself being drawn into the warmth of a light left on in the corner of the room while I was left to nap.  To this day I can still sense the warmth of what I now know to be the Holy Spirit and can witness to His peaceful presence that I found there.  I remember not wanting to leave but ultimately was drawn away into the stillness of the room.  From that time on I knew that there was more to life than what we see on the surface.  I grew up always wanting to know the "why's" of everything to the great dismay of my siblings.  My questions were considered going "deeper" into things when actually, looking back, I think I just wanted to know the connections between all things and God.  I could walk along a street and find my eyes boring into the trunk of a tree in front of me.  I wasn't looking for anything particular, nor did I have the eyesight portrayed these days by some of the created super heroes.  I was just "drawn".  I had friends along the way who said to me "Your always up above the trees" or "You are drowning, here is a life preserver" but my reality was that people were drawn to me to relate some of the sufferings of their lives and I had a wee, small voice telling me in my mind that I needed to protect these revelations for this was holy ground.  All of this placed me somewhere apart and yet connected to a larger picture.

As a young teenager I knew that I was to hold dear what was shared with me by others and to "never" use it to hurt someone. What I did not know how to do, though, was to deal with the increased "sensing" of people's moods that was beginning to build up in me.  I had a Catholic therapist once tell me that I was sensing things about other people that they had not even rationalized yet.  What it did was create in me an intenseness that would go on for 40 years until I "discerned" my own journey and discovered what was from God and what has been sinful within me.

I was married in the church, divorced by the state, and annulled in the church by the time I was 37 years old.  My joys were joyful and my sufferings painful. I experienced my mother's death from cancer, my father's death from a stroke, the stillbirth of  my daughter, and most recently the death of both of my sisters, one from cancer and the other a deadly difficulty from a lodged gallstone in her pancreas, as well as the death of my son in law from a rare lung disease.  All of this suffering and death has occurred as my 3 oldest children have grown and married, I have remarried in the church, have had two more children, and now have six grandchildren. I pursued and received my Bachelors of Arts degree in Sociology, my Masters of Pastoral Ministry, and my Masters of Theology.  Professionally,  I have worked with Hispanic mothers, children in group home placement, disabled women, the homeless, the poor, and now as teacher, director, and writer. Within all of this "living" was my Catholic foundation, my spiritual awareness of the active relationship of the Holy Spirit with me and the world, and the growing self-knowledge of myself as sinner all leading me through Him to the "breath of wills" one day as I prostrated myself on the kitchen floor and gave my will and my life over to that of God's will.  It was then that I knew that I had moved more deeply into the authentic person that God had created me to be.

I did not know what my future held for my professional work had reached a dead end at the start of the Great Recession and God was gently shutting the door of everything I had worked hard to attain.  My identity as lay minister, chaplain, spiritual guide, teacher, and writer was being revealed to me but not in the form of  abundant paying positions.  I was very scared that my children at home would enter into the poverty that I had experienced as a child but I could hear the wee, small voice telling me to be steadfast in this time of uncertainty.  I had little work to help sustain our home and I was learning about the meaning of "benefactors" that came in the form of family and neighbors.  I had to overcome my pride and accept assistance from others.  There were many tears due to my inability to be self-sufficient but God created in me an understanding of allowing others to serve me for Him.

Since that time I have created a spiritual discernment program that I will speak of more later and for three years have provided it for free on my parish campus.  I have worked a year as a chaplain for the elderly and infirmed and through them have been gifted with a greater awareness of life transitions, senior sorrows, and how the only thing that seems to flow gently and peacefully is our identity in Christ.  So much ultimately gets left behind.

The other mystical experiences that I have been gifted with have come to help strengthen me in knowledge and wisdom and ultimately as gift of witness to remind others of the promises of our loving God who hears our prayers and who has known us from the moment of our very existence. He knows what our gifts are and what possibilities we have had for our lives.  He knows when we choose to move closer to Him and when we choose to move further away.  For whatever the Spirit's reasons He has called me to begin this site and provide this opportunity for others to share their lives in faith and in the church.  As I tell my discernment students, only share what you are comfortable sharing and I will do my best to maintain a holy atmosphere of reverance and respect.  Blessings on your day...