Yesterday as I was walking with my two daughters from the car to the church for Mass I saw a small figure sitting on the pavement of the driveway with a sign in front of her saying "Homeless Vet. Please help." I saw eyes looking out from the blanket that was wrapped around this person meant for warmth and/or hiding. I groaned a little inside at what appeared to be a well maneuvered attempt to get money from Christians at the very doorway of their faith that would most certainly want for them to give alms to the poor and needy. It was a bold, and from what I could see by the way others were handing out money, and well calculated move.
You see...I worked with the homeless and poor for ten years. Many of them were veterans. In the hope of helping them alter the cycle of homelessness I worked directly with Veteran Service Officers and Homeless Veteran staff. Most of these professionals who were veterans themselves talked very openly against this type of attempt at getting quick aid because it was viewed as an undignified act for a person formerly in the military and an undignified act that presented the view that service providers were not helping or doing what was needed to help these individuals. In reality it usually was those individuals who did not want to change their lifestyle or who were severely mentally ill and were not thinking about "dignity" that were panhandling in this way. Whatever this situation was, though, it brought me back to the recognition of possible manipulations that in this case appeared to be very dramatic and successful.
A sin occurred during this Sunday walk from car to church. I didn't stop walking at least not until I was almost to the door. I saw this cold figure and kept walking on holding hands with my daughters. My mind started to race with memories and mental checklists. I hadn't worked with someone impoverished in this way for a long long time. For a few seconds I did not know what to do. Then, God's grace overcame my sin and jolted me into turning around and going back. I said "hello" and was greeted with a woman's toothless grin. Another parishioner who had been standing and staring at the figure handed her a $5 bill. I asked her why she wasn't at any of the shelters where she could be warm and she said they "were all full". I told her I had worked at the shelter and thought that it would be nice if she would let me take her there for a warm Sunday breakfast. She declined. I asked her what branch of the service she had been in and she said the "Navy". I told her that staff from the VA frequented the shelters and they would help her. She did not seemed surprised and still declined. I invited her to come into church and sit with us in Mass and she told me she was from Arizona and as an Indian could not enter the church. Like so many others before her I knew when the questions needed to cease so I told her that if she changed her mind, we would drive her to the shelter after Mass. She thanked me and I returned to my family and went into the church.
My heart was troubled. I didn't "feel" that I had handled things well and I was disappointed in myself that I almost walked on by. I asked God to open my heart and let me know if I was to stay worshiping Him or return to talk with this homeless woman. I didn't really get a sense of His direction but I had my daughter go and check to see if she was still there because I was going to go and re-engage her. She was gone, nowhere in sight. I was left with the memory that I hadn't even asked her her name. I didn't even tell her mine. Outside of Christ's house and I didn't even engage her as my sister in Christ. It was a very poor response on my part. I have become lax in my "seeing" and "hearing" and am in need of God's grace to stay focused on those around me who need me to be His comfort. It is a sin; a sin as cold and demeaning as any other sin. She wasn't at fault for my sin. It was me...quick, distracted, fragmented, disconnected, measuring need. God, please forgive me! and may this woman with her "yes ma'ams" forgive me for my inward groan at coming across her. She may not even have needed the money. She may be getting a pension. She may have a home. She may have a ride waiting to pick her up at 10 a.m. when Mass begins. The sin is mine because I did not even dignify her life by asking her her name!
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